Thank fuck that's over!!!!

By Conan the Destroyher!

Oh flay fuck fuck I'm glad as piss that New Zealand Music Month is over!!!! If I see someone wear a New Zealand Music Month tee on the streets of Downtown Auckland, I will shoot them dead....Oh come on you're sooo thinking that thought too!!!!


I just don't get why people have this national pride to New Zealand Music when our product is still sounding mediocre and thousands upon thousands of undiscovered talent just ups and leaves our shorelines for good....like The Brunettes.



Sure they're no Opshop or Good night nurse who can make somewhat of a modest living from here (via licensing to ad agencies), but they have earned successes and praises in other countries which is more that I can say about New Zealand!

Firstly they're signed to Sub Pop, which houses the likes of CSS, Flight of the Conchords (Another offshore success from New Zealand), The go Team and many more (trust me Sub Pop have fuckloads of artists signed to their label), besides that, they've opened for international acts such as Rilo Kiley, The Postal Service, Broken Social Scene, and Clap Your Hands Say Yeah which is more that I can say about those cunts from Opshop (You make me sick assholes!)

So we at the frames have a proposal to all of our undiscovered talent from New Zealand......Why don't we have a music month that rivals the balls of the New Zealand music commission's month by shipping you the fuck out of New Zealand free of charge?




That's right we'll have our very own month (That of course falls coincidentally on the government's music month of May) where we'll sell you some shoddy merchandise (such as our fabled tees pictured above which are currently being printed and can be brought for $30. Coming soon) and upon the sale of said merchandise, $10 will go towards a fund that will ship the most undiscovered talent (one group, band or singer per year) from here on our recommendation free of charge! I shit you not!


And yes there is a catch, we will be documenting everything, and I mean everything! From your major record deal signing, your first video, hell your first concert opener! You ain't going to get rid of us that easily hahah no, we will be documenting your process the whole way through!




I mean lets look at your options shall we? Sure be a gullible prick and go to those seminars to learn about what the government thinks is good New Zealand music and strategies, hear from some industry wanker who is still making more cash than you (royalties like a mother fucker), and for you male leads in the group, you can go as far as giving Helena Mcalpine (or as we call her Helena Mc-Ass-ugly) a cock beating of a lifetime so you can have your video played on Special Features.....or you can bypass all of that and let us ship you off (preferable in a container, fumigated from pests,stowaways and migrate Vietminese Asians) to anywhere around the world away from shitty New Zealand so you too can party like a rockstar........phew my brain hurts!


More details were emerge once I flesh them out......Let us ship you (the musician or musicians) the fuck out of New Zealand!.....Hopefully for good!

The Tao of New Zealand Music Month

By The Angry Music Reviewer nerd


This is the tragedy, the drama, and sheer utter pain which I call "New Zealand Music Month". In response to Straight from the whore's mouth recent blog entry, about his shameful taste in music, which of course is New Zealand music, I will blog about my secret shame that I've harbor for many years about New Zealand music and the problems that arise when NZ Music Month comes every year.

Well if its anything to go by my friend, my taste for the nations sonnets are far more bitter. And in case you're wondering what bands that I'm showing love to for New Zealand Music Month? Well its only two at the mo, Disasteradio and Pig Out.........

So you maybe asking "Why out of the plethora of artist here in Aotearoa did you only come up with two bands to like?", well have you heard those other bands on offer? Yeah I thought so.

Well for one I've heard the "Visions" album from Disasteradio and Instantly I loved it! As for Pig Out, I've always had the pleasure of seeing them perform live, and they never cease to amaze me. Now if only Kitt from Pig Out gave me one of his albums so I can jam it on Fleet FM on his behalf!


Now every year the government has always encouraged every New Zealander to support New Zealand Music Month when it comes around, that's fine but hey you've got to meet me half way folks!

Probably the most sickening thing that I hate the most is when it comes to celebrations of New Zealand Music Month, that every Tom, Dick and Jane convening to some fancy soirée to discuss the goodness which is New Zealand music! Guys seriously 2 bands!!? Just 2 bands!!! That's all I like. Come on guys!

Photos courtesy of The A List (The disabling of the right click thing don't work on us!)

Just look at the schmucks (on the above photos) that these poor struggling musicians have to suck up to!



Or better yet how about the fat cow that's in this picture! (Far right with the doodles and stink lines. We pixelated the other woman for her own sake!) she does that horrible TV show (which in my opinion she single handedly ruined) "Special Features!" on C4 What the fuck does she know about music?

Helena McAlpine (some dipshit bird from the U.K.) has moved up the cock sucking ladder of Can West and became the replacement for the once prestigious show when Jane Yee stepped down!

I would like to quote something that Helena said in an impromptu piece for the New Zealand Herald in which she states the following


So what are your favourite bands?

At the moment, my favourite Kiwi band of all time is Autozamm. I'm a big Beatles fan, a big Rolling Stones fan. My genre of choice is hard dance. I love hardcore rave, I love drum'n'bass but it's right across the board. This morning I was listening to Robbie Williams' Sing When You're Winning. I'm really enjoying listening to old stuff again - the Ramones, old-school rock. I'm re-establishing the things I listened to back when music meant so much to me, what got me involved in the first place.



Wow....that's all I'm going to say to that! I'm in awe here!

Her genre of choice is Hard Dance!!!!!! Wow.........Hey in fact why don't you name some of New Zealand's Hard Dance producers of your hands......NONE BECAUSE HARD DANCE IS THE BASTARD CHILD OF SHIT HOUSE AND Illegal GATEWAYING TO HARDER DRUGS AND HERBALS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sorry for that little outburst, but its people like her and the cronies that work at C4 that ruins it for me. From their interviewing of musicians, to their lack of education to basic interviewing etiquette, I hate it all! And what do they do during their quote, un-quote serious interviewing? They resort to using a shtick, in effect taking the piss out of the interviewee and wasting their time!

But hey what credibility do they have left over in C4? None is the short answer!!! Some of the good people that were at C4 (Jane Yee, Jacquie Brown, Camila from Bfm) have now moved on, and this pathetic channel is now unwatchable!

Juice TV is better to watch (although I don't normally watch it, but do look out for NZONE!)


Now about the other music channels!....In short its like this

MTV NZ is there to serve the greater purpose of anyone who is a fan of reality TV (The Hills, Pimp my Ride, ) product placement, and American brain wash, so it hold absolutely zero credibility for actual music television or music for that matter.

And please fire those 2 little star fuckers Amber Peebles and Jay Reeves!

Juice TV. Not a fan of it, and I'm wondering if they got rid of some of their hosts because I rarely see them every time I turn to that channel. I will give them points for hiring a fantastic interviewer (Aroha is fantastic!)

And Finally Alt TV...yes the channel that labels itself as "Actual Music Television!" Well congratulations for jumping the shark when you hired prostitutes to your network! You have lost the respect of this blog!

Other thing I would like to ask is what do they do with the profits from the sale of those NZ Music Month target tees? You know the ones (Pictured above) from Hallensteins! Where does the money go to with the sale of said tees? And don't you feel like an utter cock wearing something that is both a lie and a Target for snipers?

Now Cheese on Toast, the fantastic website that it is, has raised some valid points in his recent entry entitled "THERE IS NO DEPRESSION IN THE NEW ZEALAND MUSIC INDUSTRY" in which he uses Cut Copy as an example........Allow me to jest on it. Basically Cut Copy released their 2nd (I hope to dear god I'm right) album "Ghost Colors" which went straight to number one on the mainstream charts (circa March 30, 2008). That's right NUMBER FUCKING ONE! And bearing in mind they're signed to Modular Recordings, a record label with a Indie mind-set and a big distributer (Universal Music) as its backer!

Wow I will admit, that is one amazing feat! To have a relatively unknown band come up tops with a fantastic Sophomore..........I'm speechless!


And who do we have in New Zealand.................Well young sid (a Gangster wannabe), Opshop (Some crappy MOR Band who'd licensed their music for commercials) and Good Night Nurse (.....Fags!) thats all we got to show to the world!

Wow and all this for the greater good of New Zealand Music Month.............Bravo! We are soooo spoiled for choice here folks! Crap......!


Now lets cover some valid points about the Australian music scene, and why it rules balls over ours any day of the week!

• They don't have a national commission to govern over Australia's music (ie. No music month in Australia folks)
• In fact they don't need a national commission anyways because their product is of a high standard time and time again
• They don't force their musicians to wear targets on their apparel to show some patriotism towards Australia's music scene
• They have no need for a quota system to telly up airplay
• And finally what international would want to come to New Zealand? Most of them end their Oceanic touring in Australia, meaning better exposure for Australian music and more variety and value for the consumer! HELL THEY HAD DAFT PUNK NOT SO LONG AGO@! FUCKK!
  

I Know that I maybe showning favoritism towards Australia despite my reservations about traveling to the country, but hey if its anything I don't like their Rupert Murdoch grotesque TV media conglomerates strong hold! Case in point, the guys who host Beat TV! What a bunch of drongos!








So will anything make me change my mind about New Zealand Music when this dreadful month concludes? Maybe........Only time will tell.

Hey at least I got a love for 2 bands okay! Don't sweat me!

I would like for a relatively unknown band from here to reach that stratosphere of Cut Copy's success nationally, and don't bring up Steriogram okay! Those guys......ouch! They've cleaned up and found jesus so shut the fuck up! Oh yeah Capitol Records drop them so......blah!

Its time that our bands locked themselves in a room with adequate ventilation and lighting for months, hell years if need be, and practice on those instruments that you bugged your parents for!!!!! Because if we have to ride the coattails of our past successes such as Split Enz and the Flying Nun era, we may as well call it quits!

Another thing that I want to point out before concluding......More Maori music for airplay!!!!! I mean Iwi stations can only do sooo much (And no Mai FM and Flava are not Iwi Stations by definition), it would be nice if our national tongue was still preserved and we as a nation didn't follow Australia's lead and their crapping on indigenous culture....(Where the Abos guys? I only see white people).

Come on ZM, drop some Whirimako Black! Or better yet Kiwi FM drop some Dam Native on some of your prime time shows!

SO HAPPY FUCKING NEW ZEALAND MUSIC MONTH ASSHOLES! NOW PRACTICE YOUR INSTRUMENTS and beat up the members of Opshop.....

New Zealand Music Month (End it already!)

By The Angry Music Reviewer nerd

What were our contributions to this festive month of musical crapness?.......We outed singer songwriter Anika Moa!.........But for the love of god end this nightmare already!


Well we're shy away from 3 weeks till New Zealand Music Month ends, 3 agonizing weeks!


We were going to review Disasteradio's Debut, but we've gone fat 'n lazy with other reviews......Verdict on the Disateradio's "Visions" album......Fantastic! Go get it now!!!!!!!

Oh yes we would like to add that New Zealand Music Month supports capitalism! That is all!